So, thinking about the future is always worrisome, thanks to the best efforts of recent generations in ruining the planet. None of the (half-hearted tbh) attempts so far have made a dint in anything. But who's to say a tyrant wouldn't try. Let it be known that one such may come to conquer the world and force us to make good.
Yay for impossible tasks. And yet nothing is impossible. Everything can be done, and has been or will be or even is being done. Is it all about how? Probably more likely to be all about anything you want it to be.
Maybe this is all a lazy view, to stop myself from needing to decide on something to believe. I just don't know. But what I do know is that I don't mind not knowing, since it affects my life so little, at the moment.
I wish to be a good person and yet I fear that it is impossible, which only proves that I do not truly believe that anything and everything is possible. Or maybe I do believe and do think I could be a good person, but think it wouldn't be worth the effort since nobody would appreciate it, or at least not enough for my liking. Which makes me selfish, wishing to be appreciated for things that should be done regardless.
Maybe I just like lying to myself, hating myself, wanting to be better but not wanting to put effort in. How despicable of me.
Is this even relevant discussion? unfortunately I don't even know if what I said above is even true. Please forgive me, again.
So, you may have heard me complain about my terrible memory, but here’s one up side to it. I live to experience, it’s all I wish to do, experience experience experience. For what else is there? I may contribute to the future somehow, but I doubt it.
So I experience; I read, I watch, I listen, I eat. The world is a wonderful place, so much creation, so much change, such a lot to experience. And thankfully, I forget. I read a series of novels, watch a TV series, even learn some mathematics. Sometimes I remember bits and pieces for a long time, but I forget most of it most of the time.
Some say that you should never read a series twice, but it’s usually like reading it for the first time again. Maybe without the first time discovery excitement, but other things will be found, things you skipped over first time, other things.
And there’s pretty much infinite new things, the world is expanding. It is said that this year we will create much more information than we have the capacity to store. Now most of this will be junk, trollish comments, useless tweets and random statistics, but even if a single percentage of this is useful, or even a thousandth of a percent….
MAGIC! Thats what this is. The magic of creation, of destruction, of adaptation, of communication. The magic of humanity, and maybe of other life. I hope so, because experience is awesome!
I don’t think anyone knows me. But that’s not a new thought, which this post is supposed to quantify. Unfortunately many of my thoughts have been forgotten between getting out of bed and getting to the pc (via breakfast/shower).
All I really want for people (specially my friends) is happiness. I also want to (sometimes) force freedom upon people, but I have never been able to purvey those wishes in a manner in which they actually believe I am being serious (I guess).
I had some thoughts I might email to a friend, but I don’t know whether I should. All I want is to be honest, but maybe honesty inst beneficial enough for the strain it may put upon them and/or the friendship. Maybe I am just being paranoid (which I think may be a serious problem I have).
My friend-set is rather limited, having:
I have the small () and this list and then most of this community) who fill up about 15 of my MSN contacts.
Anyway, I dont know why I went on about that.
Oh FFS GAHHH, I hate my mental state. I have 0 or less short term memory, which makes it totally impossible for me to write anything. I have had so many ideas that I think ‘wow thats awesome’, but by the time I have been in a position to share/develop them I have forgotten them… and its seriously getting on my nerves.
And then comes the second problem: I have absolutely no concentration. I just sat down to blog about a though I had earlier about my feelings towards the opposite sex and relationships and that crap. I really had a gem of an idea. But now it comes down to it, I cant remember it, and what I can remember I cant fucking compose into sensible words.
I actually imagined an awesome representation of what I wish to beable to do: A picture of someone with their brain in their hands, mashing it into the keyboard. At the moment I feel like a guy looking at the world from behind a screen, not being able to compose sense is my downfall.
Gahhhh, I have so much I’d like to say, but no way to put it. Loads to do but no time to do it (well I have time, but I haven’t used it constructively). People to talk to but no way to contact them (again, I can, but it just doesn’t feel right). I could read, but I spend all my time watching Stargate, how silly of me. Life is just so damn pointless, filled with petty tasks and silly decisions. Why do we, as a “futuristic” and technically advanced society, still need to brush our teeth (surly we could make teeth etc…)? Why do I feel pain from silly things like headaches (as in why cant we control our pain thresholds yet, we have little/no control over ourselves)? Why do we have to pay for food, something we need to live? (a previous post on this topic, and some still confused thoughts on the matter to come) Who says we should be embarrassed by nakedness? Why do we think aliens use knives and forks or speak English? (damn society and taboo) In fact, why do we feel we need to keep secrets?
What I really really want to do is to stop being human. I dont know how, but life like what I am living seems really pointless. I don’t feel able to contribute to the future, or even willing to. Evolution and technical advancement just seem futile, especially when we, as a society, impose artificial limits on them (such as money stopping technology and law blocking artificial evolution) and surely, if there is “aliens” “out there”, they have done all this already.
Or maybe all I want, is to become human…..maybe I am just missing the point altogether.
I realised some stuff this week:
That if something doesnt work the way it should, it isnt what you want: like if your car doesnt start every time you try, it isnt correct there is no room for failure, why have people come to accept it as the norm? Why, when it is so easy to swap, do people continue to use windows? why do companies/schools/governments still constrain themselves to things they have to buy? Why waste their “precious” rmoney on something that doesnt work when there are alternatives that are free and open.
That I dont particularly like the real world: I would far rather have no body, it is just a useless lump, completely useless to me who only wants to think, to learn and to generally occupy his own mind. I cant particularly socialise in the real world and its not even a nice place to live really. It looks nice, but I dont care for looks. It fills my senses, but senses are just perception anyway, they are not important to me.
That money is the root of all evil: Why do we live in a world where even things that we need to live are hard to get without a made up entity such as cost. Why, in this “modern” world do we need to trade at all. Why limit our creativity and our understanding by enforcing price on it? We fight over it, we kill others who have it, we die because others dont have it. People die because we dont want to spend it on feeding them. The majority of us dont even own our own houses. Companies/people sue others for the sake of it. In some places, you cant even be treated at a hospital without paying. That is saying, you cant actually live without money. If you dont have money, you can die.
That many laws are obsolete: Copyright for one, is completely contradictory to helping the human race survive and prosper. If you theive something, it is either because you cant afford it or it brings you proffit. The outlaw of creating drugs causes people to do it where there is no protection for the environment, and the workers end up being people that cant survive without the eligal trade.
that politics is useless: they argue, they “lie” and they stop most things from happening. They “rule” where rule is only needed in a world with money.
That I dont fear death: What is there to fear about it? What, in this cruel, heartles world of money, corruption and war, is there to want to stay alive for?
</rant> thats as far as my brain can cope with lasting strings of thought
