YAY!

Yay for impossible tasks. And yet nothing is impossible. Everything can be done, and has been or will be or even is being done. Is it all about how? Probably more likely to be all about anything you want it to be.

Maybe this is all a lazy view, to stop myself from needing to decide on something to believe. I just don't know. But what I do know is that I don't mind not knowing, since it affects my life so little, at the moment.

I wish to be a good person and yet I fear that it is impossible, which only proves that I do not truly believe that anything and everything is possible. Or maybe I do believe and do think I could be a good person, but think it wouldn't be worth the effort since nobody would appreciate it, or at least not enough for my liking. Which makes me selfish, wishing to be appreciated for things that should be done regardless.

Maybe I just like lying to myself, hating myself, wanting to be better but not wanting to put effort in. How despicable of me.


Is this even relevant discussion? unfortunately I don't even know if what I said above is even true. Please forgive me, again.

Filed under  //  me   philosophy  
Posted

Stuff I've been up to.

Yeah, one of these posts.

Well I read Brandon Sanderson's Warbreaker yesterday, and really enjoyed it (well of course, I read it in one day. lol). He has the knack of drawing you in and not letting you put the book down, quite amazing. I also watched Exit Through The Gift Shop - the Banksy film, and Only Yesterday - another Studio Ghibli film, over the weekend. I should probably list what I got for Christmas:

  • The Cat Returns (my favourite Studio Ghibli film), Grave of the Fireflies, Spirited Away, Only Yesterday, and Tales from Earthsea.
  • Exit Through The Gift Shop,
  • Brandon's Warbreaker and The Way of Kings,
  • Dan Simmons' Illium-Olympos,
  • a new copy of Tad Williams' War of the Flowers,
  • t-shirts: '[pacman]//omnomnom' ,  'meh', 'keep out of direct sunlight', and 'I love vegetarians//more meat for me'
  • a couple of jumpers and some trousers, and socks and underwear.

I got a book, t-shirt (the 'meh' one) and demotivation calendar off Meesha, and about £200 from relatives. Other than that I spent the weekend with my mothers family, and spoke at length (both Skype and gTalk) with Meesha. Twas a rather magical Christmas all in all. Oh, and we ate (and are still eating) plenty :D

Other stuff I've been upto? Well I've been at uni pretty solidly, since I'm really trying to apply myself this year to salvage as good a degree as possible. I've been working one day a week since the start of term (and worked the start of last week too), and enjoyed that, finishing up the Sonar, doing some C# and messing with Android etc. Now I'm on holiday I've going to keep the maths we did last term fresh for my exams, which means practising/revising, and also I have to write a File System for my Operating Systems course. 

Filed under  //  books   film   gf   me   university   work  
Posted

I am so lucky

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away? — no, but it was quite a while back…before Uni, before A Level…before even GCSE’s. I aced a test (cant even call it an exam) in music. The music department invited me to an ‘obscure instruments tryout’ (at this point, I’d never even picked up an instrument, and had no intention of ever doing). I ended up taking the double bass because it was impossible to commute with, and also because I didnt think I’d do well at wind instruments.

So I chose the bass, learnt it for a few months, and then chose to take Music GCSE. I then got invited to a youth orchestra, and tried out there for a few months before finally joining. Which not only got me a whole host of friends, it got both my brothers into Music (and the orchestra) too:

The first one tried out the percussion section just after I joined proper, and he’s still playing both bass and drums now, 7 years later.

Since I was also getting bass lessons there before the rehersals, which were cool in and of themselves (the teacher was a dude! and the other students were awesome and awe inspiring), my youngest brother chose to take up the French horn (another ‘understaffed’ instrument), and got lessons at the same time as me. He shot through the ranks, and is seriously talented, playing the horn in adult productions and teaching himself the clarinet. He’s going to South Africa next year with his school’s music department.

My first love was from the orchestra, the most perfect young trumpetist, she made me go crazy for a time. Still would if she’d wanted to keep my friendship.

And then came university, the wonders of student life….I didnt pick up my bass in first year, in fact stowed it at the orchestra’s ‘lair’. I ended up wanting to branch out my social status in second year though, and so joined the music society and associated orchestras. I quickly found that some of my (mathematical) classmates were also musicians….and swiftly gained an ‘appreciation’ for one of them…and ruined any chance of ever getting to know her.

After this though comes the successes. I’m currently friends with a few girls from around and about and have successfully contained my appreciation as to remain contemporaries. Lets hope it continues.

This last part contains those that I’ve never really known, but am glad to have known. Thats right. The citizens of the internet: I’m extraordinarily lucky to have found and befriended those upon the internet that I have done. I only regret being foolish and childish, and losing touch with those that matter most to me.

And the internet itself has provided a vast (but still limited) array of musical produce to consume, my ears are literally bursting from the however much music I’ve streamed over last.fm and my other media sources.

To finalize, music is amazing, and I’m extraordinarily glad I ever got to experience it properly from both ends of the spectrum and am even gladder that my participation continues.

Filed under  //  family   girls   me   music   school   university  
Posted

A reason to enjoy my lacking memory

So, you may have heard me complain about my terrible memory, but here’s one up side to it. I live to experience, it’s all I wish to do, experience experience experience. For what else is there? I may contribute to the future somehow, but I doubt it.

So I experience; I read, I watch, I listen, I eat. The world is a wonderful place, so much creation, so much change, such a lot to experience. And thankfully, I forget. I read a series of novels, watch a TV series, even learn some mathematics. Sometimes I remember bits and pieces for a long time, but I forget most of it most of the time.

Some say that you should never read a series twice, but it’s usually like reading it for the first time again. Maybe without the first time discovery excitement, but other things will be found, things you skipped over first time, other things.

And there’s pretty much infinite new things, the world is expanding. It is said that this year we will create much more information than we have the capacity to store. Now most of this will be junk, trollish comments, useless tweets and random statistics, but even if a single percentage of this is useful, or even a thousandth of a percent….

MAGIC! Thats what this is. The magic of creation, of destruction, of adaptation, of communication. The magic of humanity, and maybe of other life. I hope so, because experience is awesome!

Filed under  //  me   philosophy  
Posted

Who I am

A student; an Englishman, a geek; a hacker. I absolutely love reading, maths, music and technology. I greatly despise capitalism for what it stops the greatest of humanity from achieving: creating and learning all there is. The arts, the sciences, the languages; expression, knowledge and communication. I dont want to be rich, or famous. I just want to be free, and for others to be happy. Free from the tyrannical rule of The Fiscal Being, free from the grip of greed and subjugation. All I want to do is help, for you to be happy, to enjoy life, to do what you want when you want.

Filed under  //  me  
Posted

You women have it easy. Well, apart from the giving birth…and the not giving birth.

I had some reason for making this up, but I forgot it. and yeah, thats right I am quoting myself. Whatcha gona do about it.

Filed under  //  me   quote   random  
Posted

Uni-eed to here this!

So, I went back to uni last week, (after like 4 months or something) and last year, after enrolling, I got an email saying I hadn’t enrolled on the right Computing modules. I do Computer Science and Maths, so there is two sets of modules to enrol on. I thought this strange considering that I just accepted the default set of modules, assuming that they would all be present and selected. It turns out I missed off two. Another problem was that I seemed to be over subscribed (I had too many modules), and this is where it gets interesting.

On the Friday before term started (a week and a day ago) I went and saw both the Maths and the Computing department administrators, The maths dept. said I was on all the right courses, and the Comp dept. said they would sign me up to the two missing modules once they had access to the system (it was down for maintenance..). So I though everything was fine, I constructed my timetables accordingly, and went to lectures and had a generally fun time.

I also signed up to the music society and its orchestra, and the computing society :D. I attended the first practice of the orchestra on Wednesday, in a slot usually taken by a Computing practical but which doesn’t start untill week 3, in two weeks time. This will mean I wont be able to practice with the orchestra at all…which is shit :(. They have the freshers concert tomorrow, where all the music groups go and show what they do, I believe it is mainly for the people that havent played in an ensemble before, but I cant wait :D. I also have an audition on Monday, which I have no idea how its going to go down…having no piece to play, and probably not being able to play anything anyway. I can only play whilst ‘behind’ an orchestra >.> but it will be a good time to bring up what the heck I will be able to do… it will be a pity if I cant do it because of a lab session :(

Then, yesterday, I had an interview with my academic tutor (I think thats her title), in the maths department, and she looked at my course listing, and found that I was on completely the wrong set of courses, AND I was over subscribed by 3 modules. So I dropped Probability and Statistics (YAY!!!!) and also Complex Analysis and took up the module I was missing and the following module. So now I hope I am sorted. :D

Well that’s about it. Bye for now

Filed under  //  drama   irl   me   music   university  
Posted

Me and Free

I don’t think anyone knows me. But that’s not a new thought, which this post is supposed to quantify. Unfortunately many of my thoughts have been forgotten between getting out of bed and getting to the pc (via breakfast/shower).

All I really want for people (specially my friends) is happiness. I also want to (sometimes) force freedom upon people, but I have never been able to purvey those wishes in a manner in which they actually believe I am being serious (I guess).

I had some thoughts I might email to a friend, but I don’t know whether I should. All I want is to be honest, but maybe honesty inst beneficial enough for the strain it may put upon them and/or the friendship. Maybe I am just being paranoid (which I think may be a serious problem I have).

My friend-set is rather limited, having:

  • 109 Facebook ‘friends’
  • ~20 MSN contacts
  • 32 followed tweeters

I have the small () and this list and then most of this community) who fill up about 15 of my MSN contacts.

Anyway, I dont know why I went on about that.

Filed under  //  friends   me   philosophy  
Posted

Today

!I have been obnoxious. I have been rude. I have been hurtfull. I have hated and I have laughed at your misfortune. I teased you, and I insulted your family. I feel terrible for it. I want to apologise but you will only say I shouldn’t do, or that it doesn’t matter. I wanted to complement you, but I wouldn’t myself, I claim it is a weakness, and that even if I did, the fact that I insulted you makes this me just trying to excuse myself. I wanted to congratulate you. I await your reply. I wish to console you over your bad day. I need to ask you a favour or a question. I am paranoid. I am scared you might find and read my blog. I am annoyed at myself for being scared about you reading about me.

You are my friends. You are what I love and live for. You are the internet. You are all I have known and all that I know. You could do anything to me and I would allow it.

This was today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different, maybe like yesterday, but with less secrets and lies; maybe like today but without the insults and pain.


EDIT: Actually, I will apologise. Even if you say I shouldn’t have, it is worth it.

To whom it may concern

I am really really sorry for all that I have done. I wish I could take it back, but that would require something more than I have at present. I don’t blame you if you do not forgive me, my actions are inexcusable, but I hope you can if you are willing.

Much confusion.

Me

PS: but thats the last apology you will be getting >:D

Filed under  //  drama   girls   me  
Posted

OCD and me

Gawd damnIt. OCD used to be cool (well cool-ish). I got excused for sorting cards into order, and enjoyed washing up. But this morning (and over the past week) I have realised that my OCD causes far more problems than that, mainly (all) relating to girls:

Friends are awesome, especially when you are a REALLY shy geek/nerd that doesn’t enjoy the outside world and spends most of his free time on the internet. So yeah, I have a small contingent of friends, with a larger group of friends-who-don’t-talk-to-me-much and a few of these friends are female (:o). And this is where I start disliking OCD.

I would say I have been in love atleast a couple of times in my 19 years (and 1 day) on this here planet and have probably fancied my fair share of girls. But I don’t believe I have ever wished to go any further than that. That may be because I am to shy or too scared of being rejected, or even because I fear the inevitable split when my partner finds someone more attractive/entertaining/ enjoyable, as I guess my ‘gentelmanly’ ways and my devotion (which was possibly best summed up in a previous post THAT GOT LOST!!! and was the greatest piece of writing I have ever written :( )  would get old after a while, and my inability to keep my eyes from wandering.

So yeah, I have a few female friends. And I DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING fall for them..FFS. I keep telling myself, but nope, I obviously don’t listen to sense. I would far rather have friends. I think I quantised a few reasonable assumptions on why I do:

  • They are flirty
  • I am desperate (though I don’t wish to be)
  • They are ‘leaving’ (to uni) and will probably stop talking to me or forget me all together, and that scares me
  • They are already taken, and that makes it all the more thrilling…

So, I have done this a few times before. My friendship with a young lady going by the name of A was great, I had a ‘best friend’ for a whole year :D, but here is the problem. I was going to lose contact with her (she doesnt do the internet, has a very in-rl life) and so my ‘other’self decided to start obsessing over her (for the second time…) one of the major problems being: I don’t know if I think she is beautiful/attractive/awesome, or if its just the obsessiveness of it all.

Another example is this. As it was at the end of my schooling and so all the risk of loosing her was maximised (everyone leaving for uni and shiz).

And this next example is whats caused me to blog about this. ‘Tis current and ‘tis annoying. Miss C is one top notch gal. (I lost my train of thought around this point, sorry) An absolutely awesome friend. And now all I want to do is tell her how awesome she is, and buy her things…but I know I shouldn’t and don’t want to….fuuuuuuuuu. All I want is her friendship. She has a boyfriend, who I am friends with, and I don’t want this to end like the previous (aforementioned) incident. I am trying to keep my mind off her, and hoping that will knock me off my obsession. But gahh its soooo hard (not helped by actually blogging about it).

I just wish I could be less odd, just a smidgen, especially regarding this kinda thing.

Disclaimer: I don’t know how much of anything I ever do is related to me being quite paranoid.

Filed under  //  drama   girls   me  
Posted