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Uni-eed to here this!

So, I went back to uni last week, (after like 4 months or something) and last year, after enrolling, I got an email saying I hadn’t enrolled on the right Computing modules. I do Computer Science and Maths, so there is two sets of modules to enrol on. I thought this strange considering that I just accepted the default set of modules, assuming that they would all be present and selected. It turns out I missed off two. Another problem was that I seemed to be over subscribed (I had too many modules), and this is where it gets interesting.

On the Friday before term started (a week and a day ago) I went and saw both the Maths and the Computing department administrators, The maths dept. said I was on all the right courses, and the Comp dept. said they would sign me up to the two missing modules once they had access to the system (it was down for maintenance..). So I though everything was fine, I constructed my timetables accordingly, and went to lectures and had a generally fun time.

I also signed up to the music society and its orchestra, and the computing society :D. I attended the first practice of the orchestra on Wednesday, in a slot usually taken by a Computing practical but which doesn’t start untill week 3, in two weeks time. This will mean I wont be able to practice with the orchestra at all…which is shit :(. They have the freshers concert tomorrow, where all the music groups go and show what they do, I believe it is mainly for the people that havent played in an ensemble before, but I cant wait :D. I also have an audition on Monday, which I have no idea how its going to go down…having no piece to play, and probably not being able to play anything anyway. I can only play whilst ‘behind’ an orchestra >.> but it will be a good time to bring up what the heck I will be able to do… it will be a pity if I cant do it because of a lab session :(

Then, yesterday, I had an interview with my academic tutor (I think thats her title), in the maths department, and she looked at my course listing, and found that I was on completely the wrong set of courses, AND I was over subscribed by 3 modules. So I dropped Probability and Statistics (YAY!!!!) and also Complex Analysis and took up the module I was missing and the following module. So now I hope I am sorted. :D

Well that’s about it. Bye for now

Today

!I have been obnoxious. I have been rude. I have been hurtfull. I have hated and I have laughed at your misfortune. I teased you, and I insulted your family. I feel terrible for it. I want to apologise but you will only say I shouldn’t do, or that it doesn’t matter. I wanted to complement you, but I wouldn’t myself, I claim it is a weakness, and that even if I did, the fact that I insulted you makes this me just trying to excuse myself. I wanted to congratulate you. I await your reply. I wish to console you over your bad day. I need to ask you a favour or a question. I am paranoid. I am scared you might find and read my blog. I am annoyed at myself for being scared about you reading about me.

You are my friends. You are what I love and live for. You are the internet. You are all I have known and all that I know. You could do anything to me and I would allow it.

This was today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different, maybe like yesterday, but with less secrets and lies; maybe like today but without the insults and pain.

EDIT: Actually, I will apologise. Even if you say I shouldn’t have, it is worth it.

To whom it may concern

I am really really sorry for all that I have done. I wish I could take it back, but that would require something more than I have at present. I don’t blame you if you do not forgive me, my actions are inexcusable, but I hope you can if you are willing.

Much confusion.

Me

PS: but thats the last apology you will be getting >:D

OCD and me

Gawd damnIt. OCD used to be cool (well cool-ish). I got excused for sorting cards into order, and enjoyed washing up. But this morning (and over the past week) I have realised that my OCD causes far more problems than that, mainly (all) relating to girls:

Friends are awesome, especially when you are a REALLY shy geek/nerd that doesn’t enjoy the outside world and spends most of his free time on the internet. So yeah, I have a small contingent of friends, with a larger group of friends-who-don’t-talk-to-me-much and a few of these friends are female (:o). And this is where I start disliking OCD.

I would say I have been in love atleast a couple of times in my 19 years (and 1 day) on this here planet and have probably fancied my fair share of girls. But I don’t believe I have ever wished to go any further than that. That may be because I am to shy or too scared of being rejected, or even because I fear the inevitable split when my partner finds someone more attractive/entertaining/ enjoyable, as I guess my ‘gentelmanly’ ways and my devotion (which was possibly best summed up in a previous post THAT GOT LOST!!! and was the greatest piece of writing I have ever written :( )  would get old after a while, and my inability to keep my eyes from wandering.

So yeah, I have a few female friends. And I DO NOT WANT TO FUCKING fall for them..FFS. I keep telling myself, but nope, I obviously don’t listen to sense. I would far rather have friends. I think I quantised a few reasonable assumptions on why I do:

• They are flirty
• I am desperate (though I don’t wish to be)
• They are ‘leaving’ (to uni) and will probably stop talking to me or forget me all together, and that scares me
• They are already taken, and that makes it all the more thrilling…

So, I have done this a few times before. My friendship with a young lady going by the name of A was great, I had a ‘best friend’ for a whole year :D, but here is the problem. I was going to lose contact with her (she doesnt do the internet, has a very in-rl life) and so my ‘other’self decided to start obsessing over her (for the second time…) one of the major problems being: I don’t know if I think she is beautiful/attractive/awesome, or if its just the obsessiveness of it all.

Another example is this. As it was at the end of my schooling and so all the risk of loosing her was maximised (everyone leaving for uni and shiz).

And this next example is whats caused me to blog about this. ‘Tis current and ‘tis annoying. Miss C is one top notch gal. (I lost my train of thought around this point, sorry) An absolutely awesome friend. And now all I want to do is tell her how awesome she is, and buy her things…but I know I shouldn’t and don’t want to….fuuuuuuuuu. All I want is her friendship. She has a boyfriend, who I am friends with, and I don’t want this to end like the previous (aforementioned) incident. I am trying to keep my mind off her, and hoping that will knock me off my obsession. But gahh its soooo hard (not helped by actually blogging about it).

I just wish I could be less odd, just a smidgen, especially regarding this kinda thing.

Disclaimer: I don’t know how much of anything I ever do is related to me being quite paranoid.

An experience and 2/3....

So I started this day off thinking about blogging about my fathers ‘maturing’ mental state. He is seriously starting to cause suspicions towards me, and that’s especially worrying as he is a psychiatric nurse. Ahh well. That was at the Fish Steps, waiting to be picked up.

After getting in it started to rain, quite heavily, and then hail, and then rain some more. So we decided to forgo the price difference and park in a multistory. And heres where it began. Our driver, the awesome Corkers, doesnt know how to bay park, being newly passed. She kinda knocked her wing-mirror off 0.o, but luckily it just popped back on. By the time we escaped the carpark it had stopped raining, so we wondered round town for a few hours. Went to Juicafe for a quick shake, and a few games of Othello, Jenga, and Connect4. Then we set off home, scraping her car on the way out (damn bollards).

This is where it gets interesting, she was quite tetchy (understandable, after hurting her precious car) and the two in the back (I was in the front) were being quite childish, throwing things round and being a tad hyper, not that surprising after eating eee numbers..but hey. Corkers got angry, at them/us and at a few drivers that were quite annoying. She then tried to overtake a caravan wanting to get in the lane we were in…quite an experience :D

Ahh the joys of life.

My Idol and how I lost his friendship

Yeah, I had an idol. His name was James, and he was the coolest geek in school. He had supremely orange hair, and was a geek through and through. He took Maths, Electronics, and Physics for ALevel (with an AS in Computing). He liked gaming, was one of the people that told me about CSS and the like, he came to a few of the LAN parties that I went to. And life was good.

But here’s the downfall. He had a girlfriend. She was my friend (well I had her on msn…) and we got on. Of course, I never wanted to date her or anything so destructive. Nope, all I wanted was a friend, that’s all I ever want. But my stupid piece-of-shit emotions or whatever decided that, no, I would big her up into an awesome beauty. Maybe that it was that she was forever out of reach, or exam ‘nerves’ or my incessant complements and her constant depreciation of herself, I have no idea. But I know that she is totally, like, so hawt its unbelievable. She wore a skirt and my fly button nearly popped off. I kept telling myself ‘I DONT WANT THIS SHIT!’ but myself doesnt listen to logic/reason.

So, I kind of idolised her too. She is rather smart, outstripping me (not too hard) by a long shot. She wants to become some crazy-ass doctor type (following in similar footsteps to her dad). For some stupid reason, she got rejected from many a university. To be brutally honest, those universities were utter fools. She was waiting on her last application, which was being treated by the university litteraly slower than a snail. And thus with her dilemma, talking about how my university had accepted me on all counts, and bragging about my few Scholarship offers was a totally foolishly foolish thing to do. No, more than foolish: COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RETARDED!!!! But I did do, and there lies point 1 on friendships lost. She started crying. I am totally completely ashamed by what I did that night. I rank it as one of the worst evenings of my life. Ranked with the time I made my aunty cry, my mother cry and told my mother that it was all her fault…..but I digress. To the next point of epic fail. (yes, there is more).

In the same conversation, I had continually congratulated her awesome beauty, as I usually do with my female friends. I don’t see the point in being secretive with my feelings, it just makes me feel more perverted than I already do. So yeah, I was making a point of how absolutely mind-blowing she looked. I took it one step too far. I think I was walking a thin line, telling people my feelings. But at that moment, I jumped off the frying pan, and into the flaming bare pit. Yes…I told her I loved her…completely stupid. Another fantastically dumb-arsed thing to do. I didnt expect anything of it, just confessing some (confused) feelings. But oh no, not only had I caused her to cry that night, I also told her I loved her. Oh but there’s more. Her boyfriend, James, yes James my Idol, was online, or reached by text. Yep, he threatened me with a beating. Which I totally agree with him about, I would have gone and asked him to beat me up if it didnt feel like I was just trying to escape the shame (and I wasnt a wuss).

And the third and final mistake of that evening was to argue with her. Yep, I argued too. See, probably due to her self-depreciating nature, she said sorry far far too much. So I started pointing it out and saying that she needent be, and stuff.. She said sorry that night, I pointed it out, once too many times.

Why am I attracted to the opposite sex? I dont want to be… its a completely pointless venture for me. I would rather just have friends that friends that I am attracted to…. grrrrr

Letting Someone Down

I want to cry…. in fact I did start….but stopped soon after…cause soon after starting, my mother and her sister would have ended up questioning me as to what was up…. and I cant exactly tell them its their fault. Well most people probably could, but not me. I am far too shy to actually talk to my parents about anything serious. But the thing is, I would sometimes like to tell them stuff, but its just too hard, it really is…oh now I have started crying….

Its just not right, that I am scared of my parents, so scared in fact, that I cant even just go downstairs and put back the chocolate that I “stole” this morning for giving to a friend that I now cant reach cause I am too scare to leave the house, as not only will it raise questions like “ooooh, do you fancy her” and stupid chiding remarks like that.. but because my mums sister +family are here… leaving today (hopefully soon, but I doubt it) after an Easter weekend break. Considering the previous few times they have come round have resulted in some of the worst times of my life (I am swelling up just thinking about it) I am not particularly enjoying this weekend.

And I haven’t (really) even got onto the subject of this post yet. Its a pretty pathetic reason really, no I shouldn’t say that. All I wanted to do was take some chocolates that I had promised to a friend. This friend happened to be a girl. I consider her one of my best friends, seriously awesome, she is. So, I have some chocolatey cakey stuff all wrapped up in my room, waiting to take around to hers and stuff… but then, as its a bank holiday, there aint no buses to round hers. Oh, and my relatives are still here, which would mean …

WAIT, I am just making up excuses, I am terrible.

Simply put, I am sad cause I cant make myself leave the house to deliver some rocky road to a friend because I fear the jesting comments of my family and the disapproval of my mother at me not socialising with my cousins, who I dont even want to see.

Maybe I am just manic depressive, or maybe thats just another excuse

A concert

Well, tonight I went to the Mary Wakefield Concert. It didnt go too well (or I wouldnt be here right now…), here is a couple of pointers:

• I was meant to go see a guy about a job. My dad had talked to him about it, and had said he would be there. I was quite nervous as I didnt know the guy (appart from the fact he gave us a lift home from a concert, one in which I didnt want to leave as it was my last and I wanted to stay and party XD). He didnt turn up, so I had pretty much gone to the concert for nothing.
• The music “my” orchestra played was pretty good, especially Into the Storm (I think), which I remember playing from a previous concert. Its an excelent piece.
• My heart… She was there. I thought I was over her, finally, after like not talking with her since before chrismas. But ohhhno, she came out of nowhere and made my heart flutter all over again *GRRRR* and you know what? I despise myself for being so easily swayed. On the way there I was all ‘yeah,….yeah!…YEAH!!!….meh’ but now I wonder if I still have feelings towards her. I hope not, I dont know her anymore, and she doesnt know me either.
• WOAH!!! *jaw drops to floor*. Naw, tad OTT, but yeah, quite attractive young female percussionist (that moved to my old school just as I left). She hias nice legs, just wondering whether to tell her, or to forget all about it. I feel like a perver just thinking about it :(.
• Damn the judges were biased towards the singer, she was CRAP, and so was the cellist and the piece on the violin, but the horn-player was a dude, he blew it good and proper XD. and the flautist was quite good. she said umm quite a bit tho
• Remind me never EVER to allow my parents/companions to convince me / be conviced to stay and watch a youth singing workshop again, EVER. Damn it was AWEFULL.

Thats about it from me for tonight, gona go to bed, what a waste of an evening. Ive been told that I am going out agian tomorrow to watch a musical, cant remember which though. Damn father buying tickets for me when I said I didnt want to go.

An Email

I have to write an email. An email to someone I once (not so long ago) thought as the smarted, most beautiful and greatest person in all the universe. I was in love, you see. In love with someone I had met only a year ago, and whom I only ever saw on a friday evening at the youth orchestra. So deeply in love that I lost sleep, I couldnt stop thinking about her, every minute of every day was myself discussing how I loved her and how stupid I was for ever thinking I had a chance. She knew, oh  she knew as soon as I realised. I told her as soon as I could, though it was painfully obvious to everyone, the level of complements I paid her with every breath was overwhelming even to me. I ofcourse knew that this was ilogical, and being a logical kinda guy, wasnt bothered by the fact that this was a fruitless venture and instead turned it into friendship making. And for a while, all was good, I loved, she friended, we got to know each other quite well. She, for example, was being infatuated upon by 3 other people, and was in a relationship with one of them, (throught the time I knew her she went through a number of males, all of them cheating on her in some way or another) and we posted together on a forum I ran, we chatted together into the late evenings (early morning XD) and all was good.

But then she got busy. School and her music (she was crazy good at music, and when i say that, its an understatment) got the better of her internet life. I hadent spoken too her in about 5 months, (over the summer holidays she had been touring and making other friends and falling in love all for herself) and I decided that I would go to the orchestras concert, for old times sake, to see my friends and to listen to some music. The music was great, film themes and a piece by one of the orchesteers and I had a good chat with my friends in the interval, the conductor dressed up as a jedi for the starwars peice and that made everyone WTF?. The girl was lookin HAWT! supar fine lookin too, but she “hid” in the interval and I couldnt find her, and tbh I didnt mind. After it had finished she came up and gave me a hug, and we had a chat about how long it had been since we saw/talked to each other. She appologised for not replying to an email I sent, claiming that she had been too busy and I said it didnt matter, she also asked me why I hadent been online when she was and I told her that I go to bed before she usualy appears.

The thing is, I dont know her any more, really. She is still gawd dang attractivating, but I dont love her no more. I dont know whether she thinks I am her friend or not, and if she does then should I break it to her that I dont know her anymore? Should I just scrap the idea of an email?

And BTW, I think I might be a tad paranoid XD